Rage Machine Podcast: The 2008 Christmas Special

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It's a Christmas special that will make all other Christmas specials wither away in embarrassment, with an unhealthy dose of jollyness, hall-decking, dobba dobba dom doms, pa rum pa pum pums, and a festive song about attempted date rape. Our holiday hero counts down the top ten christmas songs that make up almost all of British radio's yuletide offerings but never get played in America, constructs a new version of 'The 12 Days Of Christmas', sings to and with himself and has the audacity to tell a collection of holiday movie cliches to get off his lawn.

Featuring a plethora of special holiday guests including The Jingle Singers, Spike's clones, the real Jonah Lewie* and a visit from a semi-reasonable facsimile of David Bowie, it's the show about which the internet's Red Zeppelin said, "A++ WOULD GET JOLLY TO AGAIN". And you can't argue with that.

Merry Christmas!

*Not the real Jonah Lewie

Rage Machine Podcast: "Rueben One Out At Work"

Download the WHOLE show in that popular "impy three" format the kids are all talking about these days. Darn whippersnappers. Click/rightclick/holdclick here to save it.

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Why does Jesse Jackson Junior - grass extraordinaire - remind our hero of a trampoline? How did he get those hiccups? Did the Laurel And Hardy terrorists that hit our hero's home town airport go to jail? Are self-proclaimed libertarians just embarrassed conservatives? All those answers and more in this, the final regular Rage Machine of the year.

Plus, an enlightening visit from radio's Rueben Perdue, he of the secret stream, covering everything from Bush's shoe-dodging abilities, the differences between devout christians versus devout atheists, the media's treatment of Barack Obama, and sex. Yes, you read that right. Sex. IN THE WORKPLACE! ON COMPUTERS!

Spike Nesmith Rage Machine Podcast: "When Blaggers Attack!"

*apologies for the lateness of the posting of this episode if, in the unlikely event, you follow the Rage Machine via anything other than the podcast RSS feed. Either Pod-o-matic, who host the file, or my computer (not impossible) went all wanky last week, which meant that Les Machine Du Rage embedded audio player was unavailable. Ho hum. Ever mind. Here it is:

The always reliable Rage Machine RSS feed is here. Click to subscribe in iTunes, or some other such similar program.

Go ahead and download the show MP3 directly here. Ye ken it maks sense, Wullie.

This go around on Ye Olde Machine O'Rage, our hero takes a long, hard look at a man he refers to as "The Blagger"; why he was a hero one day, and a villain the next. Why, also, it's just more evidence that no politician should be trusted.

If you found a big, fat bag of cash hanging on a hook in a cludgie, would you give it back or would you keep it? One woman found almost a hundred grand; not only did she work far too hard to find whom it belonged to, but she wouldn't even take a grand for her trouble. Pfft!

EYE TO EYE.... CON-TACT!

email: theusualaddress(at)gmail.com

facebook: http://facebook.spikeshow.com

'O', How Fat You Are LOL!

It's been a great week for lazy hack comedians all around the country, as Oprah announced that she has gained weight and now tips the scales at over two hundred lbs. Cor, eh? What a porker!

In the grand scheme of things, Oprah should be an easy target for criticism without resorting to jokes about weight. In so many ways, she has managed to piss away her legacy as an innovator and source of inspiration and has turned what could still be a decent afternoon show that tackles important issues and subjects into a "look at me! I'm rich, do you hear me? RICH!" showcase. Ditto, her eponymous magazine. How obsessed with oneself does one have to be to not only name a magazine after oneself, but to insist on dominating the cover every month? I'd wager 'very'.

I defy you to watch Oprah for two weeks. You don't have to watch the episodes end to end, just dip in to see what's being discussed. What you'll see in those two weeks is at least one or two episodes that prove she's still 'got it', shows that really address topics that could make a difference. She's never resorted to Geraldo or Springer style circus freak shows or "OMG UR LUVERS GAY LOL" shows. Watch the show and you'll see that in there, somewhere, Oprah still has it. She's still able to connect with her guests and her audience and produce a compelling show that's socially and/or politically and/or culturally relevant.

But mixed in with those rare episodes that could make a difference in someone's life are lengthy shots, practically in soft focus, of Oprah agreeing with the guest, or interrupting them to tell a barely related anecdote about herself. Or episodes featuring vacuous, pandering, fluff celebrity interviews. Either that, or entire episodes dedicated to little more than showcasing Oprah's opulence. I kid you not, there was a recent episode dedicated completely to her jetting off to Las Vegas in her private plane to appear on stage with Barbara Streisand and Cher, in front of people who have paid a price for tickets that could, collectively, build a wing of an AIDS hospital. And guess who got top billing...?

Is that what people really want to see? Is that what we want advanced civilisations who may visit our planet to think we're interested in? The country is in a recession. Jobs are being lost left and right. Houses are being foreclosed upon and people's morale is at an all-time low, and traditionally, people turn to entertainment to keep their spirits up. If I'm sitting in a house I know I'm losing, looking for a job I don't know that I'll get or keep, wondering how I'm going to feed my kids, believe me: the LAST thing in the world I want to see is someone using their vast personal wealth for something so shamefully pointless. Use it to stock a soup kitchen for seven years. Use it to build a homeless shelter. Use it to help set up some sort of resource center for people at the end of their tether. Far be it from me to dictate to you how to spend your billions in your spare time, but don't you think that broadcasting it is rubbing people's noses in it juuuuust a tiny bit?

If they would cut the show to twice a week - three times, max - ditch the hopeless, vacant celebrity interviews (another chance for a thumbed-nose at the plebs), move the focus of the show away from Oprah and on to the subject at hand, she could still be a player. She could still be relevant and important.

As part of a culture that rewards an unattainable personal image with adoration and praise, one that claims beauty belongs only to the airbrushed and photoshopped, I probably shouldn't be surprised that weight gain inspires ridicule. I learned a long time ago that when it comes to expecting the best from humanity, my pessimism never leads to disappointment, but really... if we're going to sit in our glass houses and throw stones at people for their faults and failings, can there at least be some substance behind it?

Gonzo Hollywood

Once upon a time, the makers of porn (oh, great - one of THOSE posts...) took great skill and pride in assembling their product. And it wasn't just about trimmed moustaches and no leg hair, it was about plot. It was about camera angles. It was about making a film, something of substance that just so happened to have two (or three) (or four) people rutting in it. Then came the VCR, and with it, a golden age for Pornywood. But with the advent of the VCR, came a wake-up call for the industry; people were finally able to take things into their own hands. (steady!) They were fast forwarding through the plot and getting right to "the good bits". I'll wager there's not a man who discovered porn in the age of the VCR that could tell you the plot of any of his collection, only who slips a length to whom, how many times, and in which position(s).

Pornywood, ever the innovator, answered this call from their audience who were tired of getting interrupted mid-ham shank to fumble for the fast forward button because they didn't want to watch fifteen minutes of badly acted conversation between "the lonely wife" and "the poolboy". They invented gonzo porn, a genre of the grumble flick that gets straight to the action. No plot, no set-up, no hello-madam-I'm-here-to-fix-the-toilet. It's in, out, and put the kettle on: the wanking equivalent of being handed a steak as you walk into a restaurant without having to wait for the chef make it.

I just watched the trailer for the movie "2012". Take it from me, the special effects in the movie look amazing. Cities blown up, bridges falling on houses, vast oceanic floods towering over civilisation... and aliens. Yes, aliens. But are people going to watch "2012" for the plot? Are there people who will say "gosh, I can't wait for those pesky special effects to be over so we can get to some acting?" I doubt it. Does anyone even care *why* the world is ending in "2012"? I seriously doubt it. I remember how excited I was when I saw the trailer for "Titanic", and how disappointed I was when I found out it wasn't an honest-to-goodness disaster movie, but a bad porno with all the action cut out of it.

Is it time for Hollywood to be as innovative as Pornywood, and give us gonzo blockbusters? Will we see the day when the movie we drop a hard-earned ten bucks to see is ALL special effects, a movie entirely comprised of disaster vignettes? Look, I love cinema. I'll thieve four hours of your life just talking about the lighting composition in "The Third Man", or how innovative the sound in "Citizen Kane" was, but I can appreciate realistic-looking shit blowing up as much as the next person. That's not cinema, that's entertainment you leave your brain at the door for, and there's room for, and value in, both.

Hollywood, I think it's time to ditch the trimmed moustaches and give us 'in, out, and put the kettle on'.

Rage Machine Podcast, Christmas Special Trailer

Download the mp3 here.

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A rare early posting treat! The Christmas Special premieres on Radio Six International on Christmas Eve (6pm EST, 11pm UTC) but a shortened no-music version will be available to download a few days before, to kick you into the Christmas spirit early.

Dreaming Of A White Christmas...?

Then boy oh boy, does the American Family Association have a gift for the white supremacist in your life: The pre-lit Christmas Cross!

Yes, when not actively campaigning against the basic civil rights of gay people or calling Jews "superstitious", the AFA wants you to remember the true meaning of Christmas, via a five-foot cross that looks like it's been set on fire. Show your love for Jesus and your hatred for gays, blacks and Jews simultaneously this holiday season, whether you're a church elder, a grand wizard or just a casual bigot. Jesus, king of those Jews you hate, will be sure to reward your efforts in heaven by saying 'thanks', or something. If he's in that day.

(by the way, wasn't Jesus crucified around *easter*?)

Rage Machine Podcast: "You're Gonna Have To Face It, You're Addicted To Christmas. (and also, heroin)"

Right click (or hold click, Macites) to download this episode in living colour (where available).

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This week, our antagonistic protagonist talks Christmas. Has it come too early this year? Or does it have a free pass? Hot chocolate and a heart-warming gaze at the Christmas tree in reception will soon sort that nugget out.

Also, the Swiss have legalised heroin for addicts to get from their area GP. He'll tell you why - as Martha Stewart would say, were she a Swiss heroin addict - it's a good thing.

And: Mumbai! Facebook! Reunions! Twitter! That sort of thing!

First broadcast on Radio Six International, 7pm/E Dec 3rd.