Friday, June 29, 2007

Misty Water-Coloured Meeeeemoriiiessss...

In celebration (?) of the passing of the third anniversary (THIRD, FFS!) of the death of "58Live With Paul And Spike", I submit to thee the never-before-seen webcam file dump of the last ever show.

There's not much to look at other than people eating cake and the quality is pretty ropey due to the low-bitrate nature of streaming video, but it's an intriguing glance into the end of an era. Not necessarily a happy one, but a one just the same. The show is as broadcast, so there's plenty of downtime during breaks. The story of what was going on 'behind the microphone' is a blog post, novel or sitcom in and of itself (perhaps a missed opportunity for a lawsuit, even), but here is how it all ended.

Enjoy them!

Hour 1:

Hour 2: (partial)

Hour 3:

And with that, the hot co-eds were all deleted, forever.

Tears and Snotters.

I don't laugh very much any more, but my sister Jen just sent me the single funniest thing I've seen in a looong, loooong time. So funny, in fact, that every time I've watched this, it has completely incapacitated me with the giggles. I may well be the only person in the world that's quite so amused by this, and I warn you now... there's language. Assuming, of course, you can pick that up through the accent. Submitted for your approval (actually, I don't really care what your reaction is either way); NEDS Cru featuring The Wee Man, performing the charming ditty, "Here You (That'll Be Right)".

First things first, before we start the breakdown. Lyrics, and translation. Just to make sure you understand what's going on.

Here mate (whit?) (excuse me, sir? [yes?] )

You lookin at ma burd? (naw) (would you, perchance, be staring at my girlfriend in an inappropriate manner? [no.] )

How no? Trying tae say she's ugly or summin? (why? Are you under the impression that she is not attractive?)

Ah wis like that pure mad hingin out the back of your granny like that yass! x3 (i'm crazy, I was having anal sex with your grandmother, you dolt!)

Am gony pump your maw (I'll have sex with your mother)

Here you, that will be right (ha! Is that so?)

I heard you tried to knock my stash last night (Rumour has it that you tried to steal my cache of illicit substances)

Here you, what's the fuckin script (what's going on?)

You're a wee baw bag, your jaws getting ripped (I will slash your face, you dolt.)

Here you ya stupit we dafty (you are a fool)

Don't want to gee ye malky but I think am gona huvty (I don't want to headbutt you, but the circumstances may well force me to.)

Gonna jump aw oor yer heid (I will jump on your head)

That'll teach you fur stealin ma weed (the lesson being that you shouldn't steal my illicit substances)

Here you, bolt ya nugget x3 (Get out of here!)

Am gony rip your jaw (again, I will slash your face.)

Am goin doon the toon tae see if I get lucky (I will venture downtown and look for a potential mate)

If I canny get a burd ah'll drink sum mair Buckie (if I have no lucking finding said mate, I will drown my sorrows with a bottle of inexpensive tonic wine)

Wash it doon wae a couple of pills (and take drugs)

I know they eckies will cure ma ills (ecstacy tablets will make me fell better)

Get a Courtney Pine of Lou Reed (obtain some marijuana)

When ah wake in the morning ah'll probly be deid (and, come morning, I may wake up dead)

Don't worry he's got Johnny Cash (fear not! I know someone who has illicit substances)

Rolla Jimmy Cliff of Moroccan Hash (I will smoke marijuana)

If that dusny work we'll get some crack (and if that has no effect, I will use an inexpensive cocaine-based substance)

Freebase some coke and then some smack (I will inhale the cocaine-based substance and then inject heroin)

PCP, psilocybin's the potion for me! (I certainly enjoy the effects of the drugs phencyclidine and psilocybin.)

Here you, bolt ya nugget x3 (Get out of here!)

Am gony rip your jaw (aye right) (I am threatening you once more with slashing your face. [I don't believe you] )

Don't geez any yer, Don't geez any yer, Don't geez any yer shite! (please don't lie to me)

Ah pumped yer maw last night (Yesterday evening, your mother and I had sexual contact)

Don't geez any yer, Don't geez any yer, Don't geez any yer shite! (please don't lie to me)

Ah smoked yer draw last night. (I stole and smoked your personal supply of marijuana yesterday evening)

Here mate, mate, yer a dick mate, yer a dick! (I think very little of you)

Here you, that'll be right, Here you, bolt ya nugget (Turn up the bouncy tunes) (get out of here. [please increase the volume of some beat-driven music] )

Here you, that'll be right, Here you, bolt ya nugget (yasss) (get out of here, you fool!)

Whit ye dain ya mad fanny? (what in the world are you doing, you strange person?)


It's necessary for those not in the know to understand the culture of Neds, or, as they're known in England, Chavs. Roll Wiki:

Chav or Charv/Charver even Chavster (male) and Chavette (female) ('ch' pronounced as in chair) is a mainly derogatory slang term in the United Kingdom for a subcultural stereotype fixated on fashions derived from American Hip-Hop (African-American) and Guido (Italian-American) fashions and stereotypes such as gold jewellery and designer clothing combined with elements of working class British street fashion. Chavs are generally considered to have no respect for society, and to be ignorant or unintelligent. The term appeared in mainstream dictionaries in 2005.

Ned is a derogatory term applied to certain young people in Scotland (similar to the terms chav used in Wales and England, skanger in Ireland, and spide in Northern Ireland). The stereotypical view of a ned is an adolescent male youth, of working class background, who wears fake Burberry, who engages in hooliganism, petty criminality, loutish behaviour, underage drinking and smoking or just irritating others. They are often assumed to be unemployed.

I suppose the closest thing to compare them to would be the stereotypical southen white trailer trash redneck; jobless and on welfare, five hundred kids, living in poverty yet still magically able to afford more gold jewellry than Mr T. The difference in the ned or chav is that they have ferocious appetites for cheap drink and drugs and are exceptionally violent. That is what makes this clip so incredibly funny. A ned with a recording career, singing about and in the form of life on the streets of Glasgow, threatening violence through rap. A custom not unfamiliar to the more hardcore rappers, but hilarious in another accent.

Is it real? Is this really a ned, indulging in ned culture and neddish behaviour, making a name for himself in music? Or is is a frighteningly accurate pastiche of the culture? At first, I went with the former, but the more I watch it I realise through my tears that it absolutely positively has to be a fake. An achingly funny fake. All the signs are there for it to be accurate... perhaps too many. The burberry cap, the bottle of buckfast, the tracksuit, the "wide-o" attitude... all present and correct, but therein lies the evidence. One or two or even three of those would denote nedocity; all of them together spells observational comedy. The Wee Man plays the role incredibly well. I have to say that or he'll rip ma jaw.

Congratulations to The Wee Man! Ye hud me at "awrite troops".

For more information on the Glasgow Ned and to see for yourself just how dead-on The Wee Man is, check out the frightening gallery at the excellent

Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Spike Nesmith Rage Machine - June 28th

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Spike realises that he is not a beer snob, after a bargain buy inspires him to start drinking “fizzy piss”. He compares his sleepy former home town to the bustling metropolis of his current home town of Charleston West Virginia that has half the population… but it has tall buildings, and that “impresses the crap” out of him.

In the news, Britain has a new Prime Minister – the old one can’t keep out of the limelight and takes a job as aggravator-in-chief of the Middle East. Great. But at least Blair wasn’t dull to watch, right?

The Bush administration are going on a secret “accidental shredding” phase as the subpoenas arrive over warrantless wiretapping, Spike makes his patsy prediction.

Is it right to shoot and kill a kid who continually throws rocks at your house? Spike shares a story from his childhood and gives a somewhat controversial answer.

Spike the angry immigrant gets angry about immigration and why some nations (ie, not his) are given preferential treatment when it comes to procedures when he had to jump through multiple hoops.

Finally, in a war between MySpace and Facebook, one comes out on top when it comes to rich kids, and the death row inmate who choked on a joke.

Download the MP3 of the show by right-clicking here.

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Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Spike Nesmith Rage Machine, June 6th

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This, from the chatroom:

[Staris] I’ve never been so willing to listen someone moaning for an hour before. =D Thanks, mate! That's a keeper!

This week, Spike wonders if Steven Speilberg is listening. It could happen! He’s “coasting along alcohol-fee”, so if the show is rubbish we can blame caffeine-free diet Coke.

Also on the agenda, he decides not to talk about “some vaguely hot photogenic late-teen” who went missing. In fact, he doesn’t talk about it for a couple of minutes. He insults what little people are listening, talks about the republican mass-debate and who he fancies for their presidential pick.

He gets skeeved out by Hillary Clinton’s insincerity, gives Guiliani a free pass on one of his most controversial mayoral decisions, derides the idea of citizenship and a proposed law in the UK that would award it ‘points’ and voluntary work.

He talks about keeping kids inside and being scared to let them out, talks about his ‘friendly neighbourhood murderer’ that his parents tried hard to keep him away from and touches on “teensurance”.

Oh – and hot teachers having it away with pupils and… porn in the classroom. There's apparently never been a better time to be a kid!